Have you ever heard of Pavlov's dogs? Pavlov was a researcher in the early 1900s who desmonstrated that animals, just like humans, can be trained to respond in a certain way to a particular stimulus. Right before feeding the dogs, Pavlov would ring a bell. The dogs then associated the ringing of the bell with food. Whenever they heard the bell, they would salivate. He then rang the bell, but without giving the dogs any food. The dogs were salivating. That's what he called a conditioned reflex/response.
At first, it was the heavy noises from upstairs that woke me up - some nights it would, when it was incredibly loud, and some nights it wouldn't because it was more quiet. But as time went by, I started associating 4am with being woken up and feeling angry. I started being anxious around that time. I now wake up every night at 4am, and of course the noise starts a few moments later.
Last night Amanda kindly offered me again to sleep on her floor. She is the best. But two problems occured: one, the heating floor becomes bumpy when the heat is on so small bugs and spiders crawl out and bite me all night. And second, I was wide awake at 4am, unconsciously waiting for the noise to start. At that time I realized I was angry, without even anything having happened... I am now conditioned. I respond to the 4am stimulus.
This is insane. I am going insane. I told people at work I need to move out. It's been going on for 2 months now. They are so slow. And I know why: they get a good night sleep. I haven't had a decent one in a long time. You can imagine how it impacts on my emotions and my attitude towards life. I get to work late. It makes me look bad. I get impatient, more than before. And even the kids - whom I love, who usually make my day, who make me smile and bring me back to life, even the kids get me upset for no real reason.
I just knocked on their door. There was a man and a girl. You should have seen the place, filled with clothes and boxes all over the place. She owns a clothing store. She seems nice. She said "Sorri. Sorri. Bery bery sorri.' That's Korean for very sorry. That's the thing: she's just doing her thing and she has nothing against me.
But this is not right. I didn't sign up for this. If things don't get better after I get back from Bali in a month, I quit. I'm out of here. I used to sleep way too much. But now 5 hours and the stress and anxiety just aren't worth it. I'm not a dog.
